Friday, January 26, 2007

Reality sets in...

So for the last eighteen months I have been over eager to graduate. I have been so ready to be done with college, and move on (probably to Boston). In the last months, God has been saying "slow down, this is your time of preparation for what I have for you. If you rush through this, you will miss so many blessings. Trust me. I am preparing you for something special. Rushing through this time will cause you to miss so much of what I am wanting to give you." I am starting to take the time to enjoy this season of my life. I am trying to not be so focused on the future that I neglect the present, or that I don't recieve it's full blessing. This morning, reality really began to set in. I know that I will not be here forever. College is temporary. I have known I was on the down hill slope. And I was so excited. Now I am excited, but I am becoming a little bit more aware that such a great chapter in my life will be coming to a close in less than two years.

If you know me very well, you know that I keep a little girl and a little boy named Cameron (Cami) and Gage A LOT. If you know anything about me, you know that I love kids. But these kids are so special to me. They are like my own children. I love them more than I could have ever dreamed of loving someone else's children. I have so much of my heart wrapped up in them. In the last two years I have learned so much about loving unconditional from them. I have learned about a parent's love. (Don't get me wrong, they are amazing kids, but they aren't perfect.) When you are around kids, as much as I am around them, it changes you. I laughing refer to my self as Steve and Wendy's "stand-in parent" because I spend almost as much time with their kids as they do. I take Cami to gymnastics, I can make things "okay" when they are hurt. I love it, but at the same time it breaks my heart that their parents don't spend more time with them. But, I love these kids. I would give anything for them.

In the midst of a conversation this morning, Wendy briefly mentioned that when I move she will have to find someone else to keep the kids. I felt my heart break. I can not imagine not being a part of Cami's and Gage's life. I have said for so long that the hardest part of me graduating and leaving College Station, would be having to leave Cami and Gage. How little I realized this would affect me. My heart is breaking.

I am thankful that God is teaching me to savor this time instead of just rushing through it and viewing it as something in the way of moving on...I don't want to love these kids less, but I certainly don't want my heart to break when I get on that plane to Boston. 'But he gives us more grace.' I know that wherever God calls me, eventually I will have to let go. And I will be blessed for my obedience. It still isn't easy. But, for now, I am thankful for the chance to be in College Station, involved with so many great people.

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